British television screens are so awash with talent shows, I can’t help but feel that literally everyone with a modicum of singing, dancing or acting talent must have appeared on one already. Surely it can’t be long before Britain is completely devoid of fresh talent. A few more years of The X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent et al and the government will have to act. I suggest they enact some serious immigration reform. For those of you who don’t know me personally I’m a third year Politics student so obviously I’m more than qualified to knock out the biggest reform of immigration law in British history. If anything, I’m over-qualified. Firstly they should offer an amnesty to any illegal immigrants in the country who can sing Whitney Houston’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’ without sounding like a pissed up middle-aged woman doing karaoke on a hen night. The amnesty would also apply to those who can dance the tango without looking like they have rickets and those who can act at a level at least above Hollyoaks standard. We will hand out passports like candy to those who fit these stringent criterions.
From now on those applying for asylum shouldn’t have to prove that their lives are in danger in their home countries. Rather they should be subjected to grueling talent checks at border control, ascertaining whether their individual skills have a place on our plethora of talent shows. Unsuccessful applicants will be promptly directed to ape the mentally ill/retarded and apply for The X Factor where “acting like a mental” typically precipitates generous screen time for applicants in the early audition phase. Those who fail to even achieve this will be sent to build the Olympic village or to wander the streets unchecked until ID cards come in, at which point they will magically disappear. Or so the government seems to think anyway.
(published in an edited form in the Epigram 3rd Nov, issue 206.)